First, I write as a business executive, sister, and aunt. I am not an expert in parenting or child rearing. I want to help as many children succeed as possible, so if there is something I have gathered from my business and personal world that I think could help parents, then I want to share it.
My topic today is about developing a child’s communication skills.
Pew Research Center in the fall of 2014 asked a national sample of adults to select among a list of 10 skills, the most important for children to get ahead in the world today. Across the board, more respondents said communication skills were most important, followed by reading, math, teamwork, writing and logic. There are numerous other writings stating that communications skills are critical to success in life, work and relationships. However, communication skills are not necessarily taught in our schools. Yet, when we look at how our children are tested, they need to demonstrate the ability to present complex information, ideas, and evidence, specifically through listening and speaking.
I know I thoroughly enjoy having conversations with children and I often compliment those parents whose children are easy to talk too. I think it is just natural for some children and others not so much. I know I was a chatter box in my family. I was one of those kids that would not stop talking. My sister, Judy, used to say that I really took advantage of this at the dinner table when I had a captive audience, or hostages possibly in their minds.
Kimberly talking away with Grandma Rita at a family picnic
Reflecting on my own childhood and experiences, I have thought how we can help children carry on conversations with, not only their peers, but also with adults.
I am reminded too of my niece, Audree. Sometimes I would pick up Audree from school if my sister or brother-in-law could not. When she would get in the car, I would often ask, “How was your day.” I would often get “Fine” – oh no, I start thinking, this is going to be a short conversation, if you could even call it that, but wait, she continues – “I had a test and it was really hard, but I think I did okay” or something else really informative of her day and from then on we were able to keep building and building and before I knew it we were having a meaningful conversation.
I remember mentioning this to my sister, Audree’s mom, Vange. She told me at an early age, she would not just accept one worded responses from Audree. My sister would encourage Audree to give her meaningful information of her day. As a result, Audree learned to elaborate and not just respond with one, or limited worded answers, such as “fine” or “okay” and thus carry on a conversation.
This reminds me of interview techniques I learned as an executive of one of the largest professional service companies, at the time, in the world.
My interview training taught me to help interviewees do their best during the interview and enable me to draw out information needed to help assess whether they exhibited the critical behaviors needed for them to succeed in our corporation.
Following are just a couple of techniques used when interviewing a candidate:
- I would tell them a little about me to put them at ease.
- I would then ask them to tell me two to three accomplishments, achievements, things they were really proud of.
- I would then use inquiring questions such as:
- What did you do, say, or feel?
- What was going through your mind?
- Can you give me an example?
- What was the outcome?
- Take me back.
Below are my suggestions on how these techniques could be used to help with conversations with children:
- Before you ask questions of your child, tell them something quick about your day. It does not have to be long, the point here is to get them talking about their day and give them a fresh example of the conversation you want to have with them.
- Ask them “tell me two to three things about your day, such as accomplishments, achievements, things that you are really proud of, challenges, disappointments, things you wish you could change, or funny or sad things that happened.”
- They may just give you the list of things such as – “ I took a test,” “so and so got sick at lunch,” or they may just say “nothing.” Your job is then to work with the material they give you.
- Now the hard part is just trying to use inquisitive questions. So if they tell you, “I took a test,” then you could say “what was going through your mind when you were taking the test?” Then you limit your interaction with just using the inquisitive questions to get them to communicate.
It is not easy, but worth it.
What I hope, and pray for is, that over time, you and your children will have truly meaningful conversations and you will help develop the critical communication skills that children need to succeed.
By the way, Audree is still a joy to have a conversation with.